[JWEB] Kawashima Noel (Noemaru) - 14 June 2022 (Part 3)

[dreamweavernyx]

Part 3 (last part) of the Noemaru June entry ^^

~

Well, there were many happy and joyful things, but there were also equally as many things that were the exact opposite – that’s just a fact (of life), isn’t it.

Being a person is pretty tough, huh (・Д・)

I wonder what it means, to become a grown-up?

Oh, yes, recently I touched upon something that made me wonder, “Is this the truth of this world? This?!”

And then, well, it’s still sort of vague, but I’ve started to see the shape of what it is I’m aiming for.

That’s why, listen to me for a bit~! 👂

When you think (to yourself) that you’ve become a grown-up, that moment might be when, having lived honestly all this time, you became able to tell yourself kind lies. I thought this, recently.

It can’t be any old lie, you know, it’s got to be a kind lie.

It’s the same for me, too, and it might be true for those other than me.

This is something that’s both a strength and a weakness for me, but I tend to place way too much focus on how I’m reviewed (by others).

It’s a peculiarity of mine that I’ve had since long ago, but this guy here, Noel, he’s never just satisfied with a comparative / relative ranking, you know.

In a test that has rankings, even if you get first place, but if your score was 90 points, that means that you didn’t understand 10 points’ worth of content, doesn’t it?

There’s some who would say, well, you didn’t get everything but you still got first place so you should be satisfied!, but then that would mean that my study methods and ability would end up aiming to just get 90%.

Some people might be happy just getting first place, but those kinds of people are surely frogs in the bottom of the well*, and if they come out to the outside world and compare there’s a ton of people who’d have 92 points, or 98 points.

[ T/N: This proverb doesn’t have an easy English equivalent, but it refers to someone who doesn’t know much about the world outside their own bubble, and thus has a narrow perspective. ]

Once they do, then they’ll no longer be able to be satisfied with their own result.

I don’t want to come to hate the idea of working hard because of something like that, you know.

That’s why instead of aiming for 1st place, aim for 100 points, and if you get 100 points then you’ll also get 1st place as a bonus – there’s a school of thought that says that.

Rather than comparing with others and feeling glad and sad by turns, you should put the focus on always battling with yourself, and be glad or sad by turns depending on the outcome of that.

Bu~t, you know,

I can say however much I want about that, but even if I think that in my head, in the end, I’m (only) human, you know.

We’ve got feelings too, you know.

I cried during 8.8, and when we got 3rd place at WOD I cried tears of joy, and during Prelude I cried tears of frustration, you know.

Aren’t there times when you won’t know your absolute value* until you compare with others?

[ T/N: “Absolute” here means a value that does not depend on context or relative comparison. ]

I thought about that, after experiencing many things.

For me, in the end, I’d like to live honestly.

I don’t want to live purely by logic, and I don’t want to lie to my own feelings.

Even if it was a kind lie, I don’t want to tell it to myself, you know.

I do sometimes think that if I could tell myself, “You did your best, so get some proper rest”, I’d be able to take things a little more easily,

But if I tell myself that kind of kind lie, then my journey here would be over.

This journey I’ve been on for close to 20 years, I don’t want it to end because of that lie.

I don’t know my limits, even now, so I’ll test them, and I’ll take on challenges so I can stretch them even further.

Once I’ve beaten up the past “me” who said things like “In the end, evaluating on an absolute scale is everything”, I’d like to meet the future “me” who’ll say “I’ve done my best, haven’t I”, so right now I’m working hard to build up that guy, you know.

Well, I’ll properly say my thanks to the past “me” that I beat up and send flying, though.

I’d like to be able to think in the future that it’s thanks to “Past Noel” that I’ve become like this.

While saying “Well, it was tough, you know!!” (lol)

That’s why, I’m still in the process of thinking about it~.

How much importance to place on each of the things you think in your head and the things you feel in your heart, that is.

Encouraging yourself, telling yourself kind lies so that you’ll be able to rest, how much of this kind of thing is just right, that is.

If you get too wrapped up in your head thinking about it, and you leave your feelings by the wayside, then will you still be able to keep living on as a human being?🤔

In this environment where it feels like work for 24hours of every day, if you make some time to indulge yourself, then won’t you become unable to aim for 100 points?🥺

I’m thinking over a lot of stuff like that right now.

It might be that the “kind lies” I’m thinking of right now may not actually be “kind”.

Ah, no, that’s definitely the case.

A “kind lie” is definitely way more “kind” than what I think it to be, right now.

The Kawashima Noel of right now may not be able to live expertly right now, but I do think that I’m living while trying with all my might to search for something.

That’s why, I think it’s fine not to force myself to become a grown-up.

I still want to live honestly!

I want to live honestly, and whenever I run into any obstacles, I’d like to say “I don’t need any assistance!” while doing my best!

I think that this line of work allows me to do that, you know.

I won’t know when things will crop up, but many things have started coming together since coming to LA and I’ve been able to turn that into a source of confidence, and I’d like to persist and continue packing in more (confidence), and if I can let that all that take shape in the near future that would be great!

That’s why~,

I’ll say to the future, “Just you wait!”.

Everyone will be smiling! For sure!

Everyone will smile, because that’s something to dream about! For sure!

This world will become one overflowing with dreams and smiles! For sure!

I want to say that. To myself right now, you know!

You’ve been on the path towards your dream since way back when, haven’t you~! That’s good!

…I’d say that!

Somehow, this month’s regular update ended up being aimed at me, huh 🤔

Well, but that’s what I wanted to share.

That side of “me”, I guess.

That’s who I am, but if it’s alright with you, please continue to love me from now on, too.

It’s hard to get the time to work on the regular updates, and honestly some part of me feels pretty apologetic about it, but that same part of me is working now in order to quickly let (myself) take shape.

Please, let me make this promise. That I’ll get myself into shape and come and greet you, someday.

My love will always be in this space between the two of us.

It’ll be there if you reach out your hand for it, always.

Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow ☺️

Yours ever,

Jun 14th, 2022

Noel Kawashima